I’ve Got Crabs!!!

And you probably have too! Oh, get your head out of the gutter. I’m talking about crabby crabs. You know, the ones you find in a rock pool at the seaside. Or in this case, in a bucket.

That bucket being the part of your life where you feel trapped, and the crabs, the people in it. Your family, friends, acquaintances, followers and even the people you don’t know yet.

If you’ve ever seen live crabs in a bucket for sale at a seafood market, you might have seen one trying to escape. Guess what happens when some lucky crab manages to climb over its friends and make a break for the edge of the bucket?

The other crabs grab it by the leg and haul it back in. They don’t care if they rip its legs off in the process, but back into the bucket it goes.

While crabs are not inherently mean, their instinctive behaviour is the opposite of stepping aside and allowing a brother to flourish. Some people in your life are likely to be the same. They’re not consciously pulling you down, but as long as they have any say in the matter, you’re never getting out of that bucket and away to the wide, open ocean where you belong.

Fortunately these people are (probably) not going to try and pull your arms off.

They’re just going to be negative and obstructive, and try to make you feel bad. It’s like if all the other crabs in the bucket are going “Look Claude, you might as well just give it up. Stop showing off around the rim of the bucket like that. It’s not big, it’s not clever, and if being boiled alive is good enough for the rest of us, it’s good enough for you,” and then making a vague status on Crab Facebook about how someone always has to rock the boat & disturb the nice peaceful atmosphere in the Bucket Of Certain Death.

Here are some different types of crabs you may have in your bucket (again, get your mind out of the gutter!)

Bitchy Brenda crab

Bitchy Brenda does nothing but peep over the edge at you with her long, wiggly eyes, and then scuttle around the bottom of the bucket, tapping other crabs on the shell and going “OMG have you SEEN what

she’s DOING NOW?”

Get back in the bucket with the other crabs Brenda, I’m having a nice time out here!

Conspiracy Corey crab

Corey can’t climb out of the bucket himself, so he’s making up stories about how you managed to do it.

Maybe you cruelly superglued all the other crabs to the side and made yourself a ladder. Perhaps you stole money from a crab charity and bribed the market stall holder for your freedom. He can’t quite work out exactly what you’re doing, but he knows he doesn’t approve of it.

Climb back into your shell Corey!

Fakey Franky crab

You left the bucket, you found a nice aquarium in the restaurant for now, and now you’re writing a book to help other crabs out of their buckets. You must be fake.

Fakey Franky crab constantly accuses you of staging your photographs – “That’s not an aquarium, that’s a grubby old sink with some plastic seaweed in! You

didn’t really escape from the bucket, you must have fallen into another bucket and pretended that you escaped,”

Poor old Franky, he’d rather believe there’s no hope at all, than be happy for the one that got away.

Guilt Tripper Gerty Crab

You’ve done some amazing things since you escaped from the bucket. You’ve even organised a search and rescue party for crabs left behind. You’re using your skills and expertise to build a life outside of the bucket.

Gerty sits at the bottom of the bucket going “Well, you may be living in a posh aquarium, but it’s a shame you didn’t lay any eggs this year. And you may have some nice rocks in your tank, but what about ocean pollution? I see you’re helping other crabs to find their own aquariums, but what about all the millions and millions of other crabs, that you didn’t manage to pull out of every bucket in every market ever, hmmm?”

Gee, thanks for your input Gerty. Let me make a mental note of crabs that can stay in the bloody bucket.

Judgey Julie crab

Judgey Julie leans over the side of the bucket and says “Have you SEEN the state of that aquarium? I’m

giving her a 1 star review. She’s so unprofessional. I saw her talking to lobsters the other day. DISGUSTING!”

Oh Julie, please come out of your shell and stop being such a pain in my crabby butt!

Scam Crab Stan

Stan got a job cleaning buckets with a brush. He could leave his bucket if he wanted to, but he’s got a nice 9-

5, and he cleans buckets too well to end up in a pot.

Stan thinks crabs that escape and go and live in nice aquariums are all scammers, and they’ve probably scammed good honest crabs like Stan in some way.

Why can’t Stan live in a heated tank full of pretty goldfish? It’s not like he doesn’t work hard. Stan will scuttle past with a toothbrush in his claw muttering “What a load of old rubbish, it’s all a scam you know. Watch her, she’s after your plankton!”

Oh Stan. I’d be happy to show you how to escape your 9-5 bucket, but I have a feeling that deep down, you

might not actually want to leave.

Penny Pinching Percy crab

Percy sits at the bottom of the bucket, counting the pennies he found on the ocean floor. “Money can’t buy

you happiness!” he likes to say, as he guards his thirteen pence stack of coins like a grumpy little dragon.

“Don’t go chasing dreams, dreams are expensive. It’ll all come crashing down one day. What if your aquarium starts leaking? Why can’t you just sit on your stack of pennies like everyone else?”

Percy Crab dreams of buying himself an ice cream one day, but he’ll slag off any other crabs eating ice cream, because he’s jealous!

Drama Debbie Crab

You spotted a new aquarium in the restaurant opposite, and you’re going to sneak into it tonight. Debbie Crab sees you packing up your crabby belongings, and decides to wander up and tap on your tank. “ARE YOU MOVING HOUSE?” she shouts.

“OMG, a talking crab!” says the restaurant owner. “Lock down the restaurant, we have a talking crab! Make

sure no crabs escape until we find that talking crab and put it on Youtube! We’re going to be rich!”

Thanks a lot Debbie, way to ruin my plans! I think I’ll steer clear of Drama Debbie Crab in the future.

Victim Veronica Crab

Another crab friend stops by for a chat. You’re very busy, but Veronica wants to let you know how lucky you are, and that she’d be more successful than you probably, but one of her legs got pulled off in the bucket.

AND she has a thousand children to look after. AND she’s got all this charity work to do, and all of these orphaned shrimps to look after.

I’d love to help Veronica, but I’m secretly hoping she lays another thousand eggs this year, so she’s really too busy to stop by and tell me how easy my life is.

Patronising Paul Crab

Paul lives under the restaurant’s refrigerator and eats scraps. He likes to wander up to the front of house

aquarium where you live, point at your tank and loudly tell his mates that goldfish have a three second memory.

He’ll turn up his crabby nose at your comfortable rock, telling you that he’s a

real, rugged crab, and your life of luxury has made you soft. “You’ll never get back to the ocean, it’s all a pipe dream,” he likes to say, before scuttling off to hide again.

Look Paul, if anyone’s getting out of here, it’s definitely the crab that manages to land on its feet and hustle in with the decorative jellyfish.

Me and the octopus have a deal, and we’re making a break for the ocean

asap. We’ll send you a postcard, ok?

How to deal with crabs

These are some of the personalities you have to deal with, if you’re an entrepreneur. Some people are

jealous or suspicious, and others are so wrapped up in their own dramas that they don’t even see how they might be pulling you back into the bucket. One thing they all have in common, is that they will all drag you down if you let them.

Don’t ever give up your dream of getting to the ocean, and remember that they could all come with you if they wanted to – but they’re all still hanging around the bucket and making no plans whatsoever to leave.

Don’t let them pull your own legs off!

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